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Magnificent Misunderstandings

For some time, some friends and I have been sharing amusing grammatical errors and malapropisms and I’ve made a random collection here to dip into. Only a few have come from the internet – my knowledge of men’s tattoos and hunting with rifles is a tad limited, and the vegan dinner was just too good not to include – but most have been seen or heard directly.

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In the editor’s letter in a craft magazine ...

 

... in this issue, we are featuring lots of fun things to make for your bizarre.

 

 

 

On being eliminated from a tv competition, a competitor said ...

 

... it was a hard cheese to swallow.

 

 

In a historical account, the author explained how ...

 

... in the absence of safe drinking water, people resulted to drinking beer.

 

 

In a book of favourite recipes, one particular dessert ...

 

... always had the guests clambering for more.

 

 

 

A child returning from school after a dialogue with her teacher announced that it ...

... was a very useful dying log.

 

 

 

After her card was refused by the machine, the customer was reassured by the assistant telling her not to worry ...

 

... the machine was always very sentimental.

 

 

 

An interviewee described how she aimed to take control of the situation by ...

 

... taking the bull by the hands.

 

 

 

Annoyed by her son’s unruly behaviour, his mum explained that he was ...

 

... like a bowl in a china shop.

 

 

 

A contestant on Strictly Come Dancing had determination ...

 

... installed in her from a young age.

 

 

 

An unsuccessful present went down ...                                ... like a damp squid.

 

 

 

The performance of one contestant on Strictly Come Dancing ...

 

... received a standing ovulation.

 

 

 

An observation on a science programme that ...

 

... the rainbow contained all the colours of the rectum.

 

 

 

In a talk show on the radio, the interviewee explained that ...

 

... something was a pigment of her imagination.

 

 

 

The villain of the play was described as ...                ... a wolf in cheap clothing.

 

 

 

A sign on an open area of private property ...

 

... ILLEGALLY PARKED CARS WILL BE FINE.

 

 

 

Tattooed on a man’s arm ...                ... REGRET NOHING

 

 

 

A sign in a Canadian forest ...

 

HUNTERS PLEASE USE CAUTION WHEN HUNTING

 

PEDESTRIANS USING WALK TRAILS.

 

 

 

A teacher repeated several times that he was ...

 

... making a Pacific and very important point.

 

 

 

In a recipe for a pie, the author explained that ...

 

... to ensemble the pie, you begin by ...

 

 

 

Tattooed on a man’s arm ...

 

... Don’t let your past make your dicisions for today.

 

 

 

On a supermarket deli counter (to put you right off your lunch!) ...

 

... PLEASE USE THONGS OR PAPER TO SELECT YOUR PASTRY.

 

 

 

A tweet about courtesy that proved popular with many ...

 

... I love it when guys have manors and hold open the door for girls.

 

 

 

In a Facebook message of a keen vegan (!?) ...

 

... I made the most amazing soup tonight out of fresh veggies

 

from our garden and my parents.

 

 

 

In a Facebook message by someone with good intentions ...

 

... Noah fence, but you should have thought of that in the beginning.

 

 

 

Heard on a talk radio show, the man in the urinary ward in hospital ...

 

... was having all sorts of  problems with his cafetière.